I apologise now but this is going to be a dreary post.  I just needed to write down somewhere how I am feeling in the hope that it will help me feel some what better or even sort a few things out.

Today is a real down day. Everything feels like such hard work and I have no motivation what so ever.  I keep sitting here thinking about everything that I need to be doing and then feeling guilty because all I want to do is sleep and wallow.  The girls keep kicking off and so far I have counted 5 tantrums from each of them.  Money is very tight, time is extremely limited and moments to myself are few and far between.  To make matters worse I beat myself up constantly about the amount of shouting I do, and what I don’t achieve with the children.  When will the ‘wow I’m so glad I had kids’ feeling hit? Are they really worth it?

I feel so alone sometimes too.  Friends are few and far between and never seem to be around when I truly need them, despite me being there when ever anyone needs me.  I don’t give to receive but a small amount of support without me begging for it would be wonderful.  It seems to me that people don’t notice when I need the help unless I am at breaking point.  Then its the whole ‘Oh my those poor kids she never stops shouting’ or ‘Why can’t she cope then?’ looks and whispers.  Perhaps I’m being paranoid, perhaps I am just depressed.  If I am then this has been going on for over 8 years on and off.

Is it really too much to ask that one day I could wake up happy and life be even just a little easier? Just one day?

Before having children I so wanted to be a chilled out mum who could handle things well, baked often, had a clean, organised house and had plenty of time for  the children.  So far I feel like I am the complete opposite.  What did you imagine you would be like before having children?

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